Choosing to examine myself

I'm a very lucky sibling. I have three wonderful little sisters and an amazing little brother.

(I say little with my tongue in my cheek because he's thirteen months younger than me and about 188cm tall. He's my big-little brother)

Over the decades we've shared a closeness, an enjoyment in each other's company that few families get to experience. Although I think it's hard won.

My brother and the next sister down fought like cats and dogs when they were little, but when they were separated during a family move, it was my brother that my sister missed above all others.

The two of them promptly joined forces and ganged up on number four when she arrived. And number four always seemed to pick on the baby. But as we grew up, there was this appreciation of each other that developed.

Perhaps it was born of the fact that my brother and I spent many years living overseas, making the times we got to spent together all the more precious. Perhaps there was just a chemistry, a kind tolerance of each other born of our parent's great role modelling. Nah, I don't think I can give them that much credit! But whatever it was, we have always "worked."

Our extended family on my father's side call us the "tight five." And I was reminded of this over the weekend when my uncle turned eighty.

My mother, my brother and his wife and one of my sisters came over for the celebration. My uncle has four surviving brothers and a sister, all living abroad. (My father was his oldest brother when he was alive.)

My other uncles and aunts couldn't make it. They had a zoom call over the weekend of festivities, but I could see how much it meant to my uncle that my siblings my mum and I were there to share this milestone. (We're lucky enough to have the resources to do this.)

Perhaps, that's why my siblings and I ARE the "tight five." Because we frequently make that sort of effort for each other.

It's someone's birthday, we hop on a plane across the ditch and show up. One of us has some form of success, we're all on the blower engaging in hearty, verbal backslapping.

But, I've got a dirty little secret. It's this; for the longest time I wasn't the biggest fan of my sister-in-law.

Looking back, I thought she was hard on my brother. I felt a sort of sibling protectiveness towards him and it played havoc with my ability to enjoy her company and appreciate her for who she was. I tended to avoid her at family gatherings and over the years developed this quite pronounced antipathy towards her.

Confirmation bias is the collection of information supporting an idea or theory and an ignoring of information to the contrary. I'm ashamed to say I was guilty of confirmation bias with regards to my sister-in-law. I held on to all the negative bits of information I collected about her, ignoring her many positive qualities, in "support" of my brother.

Then COVID hit.

Flights were grounded, travel plans shelved, and I (as with all Melbernians) began a two and a half year period of six intermittent lockdowns.

My relatives in New Zealand were completely out of reach. And with the restrictions on sporting and social activities we in Melbourne experienced, I had a lot of time to go on long walks and think about all the friends and relatives I was unable to see. All the relationships I was unable to experience.

I realised that a lot of my relationship with my sister-in-law had been influenced by my judgement of her and how she dealt with my brother.

I'd conveniently forgotten how arrogant my brother could be as a teenager, declaring things like ironing and other housekeeping tasks "women's work." I'd not realised that sometimes his tendency to dismiss, to create heuristics and biases, as his very bright mind was want to do might require an equally strong approach to dissuade him of his sometimes sexist notions. COVID gave me time to think about a lot of things and I came to a couple of conclusions:

1) That a lot of my less favourable relationships were that way because of my beliefs about

them and hence my actions around them. And,

2) That I could choose to simply love without judgement and see how that went.

The later part of 2022 and 2023 have seen the last of the international borders open up. And as a result, the "tight five" have been back in action.

For the first time I actually stayed with my brother and sister-in-law when I returned to New Zealand. I did this with a fair amount of trepidation. But what I experienced blew me away. Both my brother and sister-in-law were incredibly generous. They were fun, and I found my sister-in-law was every bit as loving and sentimental about my deceased father as I was. We spent several beautiful hours decorating a Christmas tree and sharing our memories of him with each other. I found her to be a caring daughter, worried about her own father's health. She was funny, witty and entertaining, and everything she did was underpinned by this wellspring of kindness and supportiveness. She managed multiple house guests with ease and I found my opinions about her completely changed.

This recent trip, for my Uncle's 80th, I found myself spending a great deal of time talking to her. I'm going to France next year, and my sister-in-law and brother were full of great tips to maximise my enjoyment of this long-awaited holiday.

I can't believe how much the change in my own attitude towards someone I saw as a problem has transformed my relationship with her. When I chose to examine my beliefs my behaviour changed. I've found I adore my sister-in-law as there's a lot to adore about her. And I can't wait 'til I see her again.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/confirmation-bias